Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
