What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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