My first STD was from a foam party
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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