I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
