Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
