i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
