you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
