I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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