i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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