Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think my moral compass just broke
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
