I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
