You smell like stripper and shame
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
