he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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