Your dad touched me again.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
