He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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