I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
