Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's shark week go big or go home
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
