I wish my penis had an off switch
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
