my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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