i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
