just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
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she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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