apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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