Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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