i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
