I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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