tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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