i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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