Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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