he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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