Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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