i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
