a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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