For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
