I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
