I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
