Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
