I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
