I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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