Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
