from now on my penis is your penis
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
