wanna go halves on a baby?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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