She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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