So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
