best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
