We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
