Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
