My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
