The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
