Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Someone signed my nipple.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
