I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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