I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
