I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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