Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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