when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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