I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's Friday. Sex?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
