yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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