Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
